Anyone who has read, is reading or can help, a few of us are pushing through AKS again (the 9.16.2010 print version, not FDO) for final corrections. Maureen, leader of the pack, finds errors on practically every other page. I know some people say I can’t write, but that’s a moot point now (and yes, moot not mute, as some folks say.) I am trying to find and fix as many typos, glaring punctuation issues, and the most abhorrent grammar at this point.
Here’s what has been discovered thus far. Comments with page #. If I have a return comment (other than simply fixing it) mine will be bold:
p 108: in the quote, “Without Peace there will be No Future” – Done
Pg. 110 fixed formatting around Pike’s final sentence.
Pg. 111 Removed Pre-Civil War reference – redundant Mars Hill
Pg. 113 several word changes including “Pike’s persistent pestering.” cause I love me some more alliteration 😉
p 115 line 3: “pretty damn difficult” should that be “damned”? no, do a Google on that phrase
p 117 “the open road sounds better than it is” … s/b “sounded”, right?, since the rest of the context is past tense — If so, it would be “was” not is.
p 119 line 13: “and thought the of a travel column” … word missing? maybe “idea”? (this was supposed to be: Phil had been watching “and thought the travel column was…” typo
p 121: line 2 you say “redhead” but line 3 you say “red head” … s/b redhead
p 121 line 8: you break “thoughts” at end of line … it doesn’t look right
p 122 line 11: “all she wanted a hot shower” … missing a word? perhaps “was”? YES (to all typos/hypens, etc.)
p 123 line 2: since you’re using “fake leather” as an adjective, i think it should be hyphenated?
p 125 line 28: “with landscape like this to enjoy” … like what?
p 125 line 32-33: “apple pie for desert” .. s/b “dessert”
p 126 line 15: “interstate rest-stops” … rest stops is not hyphenated
p 127 5th line from bottom: in 1982 would the young boy have been referred to as “native american” or as “indian”? GOOD — SEE EXTENSIVE COMMENT BELOW
p 128 last line: “that is not the dream that she awoke with” … s/b “that WAS not the dream”
p 126, line 24 … “the ocean lie ahead” – her note said it may be correct as is, but it caught her eye (i think “lie” is right here) Kay thinks lay ahead Her thoughts: I have a strong feeling that “lie” is NOT correct, because when we say “it looked as though ” followed by anything, the verb is never in the present tense. examples: It looked as though the road turned (not turn) ahead. It looked as though better weather was (not is) in store. I reserve the right to be wrong though. 😉
Mo’s third batch (the OMG batch 😉
p 130 line 14: “Indian culture” – you see, here you say Indian, not indian or native american
p 130 4th para: “this travel log idea” — should be travelog or travelogue, per dictionary.com … and this phrase is used numerous times Only when Pike says travelogue
p 131 lines 20-21: “no Need” … s/b “no need”
p 133 line 12: “Remind me Phil, how …” s/b “Remind me, Phil, how …”
p 133 end of 3rd para: “self righteous” s/b “self-righteous”
p 134 para 3 line 8: “writing the Native American” feature … again, that’s a foreign phrase in 1982, right?
p 137 para 4: you use the terms “indian” (l/c )
SEE BELOW — ALL NA REMOVED!!
p 138 line 5: “pony-tail” … i looked it up s/b “ponytail”
p 138 2nd para from bottom, line 1: “Flags-taff” — s/b “Flag-staff”
p 140 line 4: “back-pack” — s/b “backpack”
p 140 3rd line from bottom: “who” … should that be “whom” ???
p 141 para 7: “i didn’t bring any water or supplies”, followed by Koteen tossing her a canteen of water and a bundle of supplies — like what? (added details there.)
p 142 para 4 line 1: “bellagonna” — often used derisively?? YES, supposed to be “dig” of sorts at the white woman
p 143 line 1: “flat-lander” — i think you’re hyphenating it, because you refer to flat land in the next line, but i’m not sure since it’s also a break in the line, but it should be one word “flatland” and “flatlander”
p 143 para 9 line 5: you say “Old Ones” (capitalized) but earlier (not sure where, sorry) you used “old ones” (no caps)
p 143, 7th line from bottom: “marauders destroyed, them” … delete the comma, s/b “destroyed them”
Yes, fixing all typos, commas, Caps/consistency issues, etc.
p 144 para 7 line 1: “alright” … i think that’s a colloquialism, and s/b “all right” instead ??
p 144 para 7 line 2: “some tribes do not” … s/b “some tribes did not” … i think, given the context, but not sure
p 144 para 12 line 1: “flat-lander girls” …. s/b “flatlander girls”
p 145 2nd para from bottom, last line: “he advised she conserve” … s/b “he advised that she conserve” or possibly “he advised her to conserve”
p 145 last para line 3: “well manicured hands” …. i think that s/b “well-manicured hands” since you’re using a 2-word adjective
p 147 2nd para from bottom, line 2: “vision quest” … in previous references you say “Vision Quest” (capitalized)
p 148 line 10: “gathered his incense, and drums and spread blankets” … s/b “gathered his incense and drums, and spread blankets”
Some places I have changed a few words for better flow, resolves some of the “auto hyphen” issues, and improves context. BUT no time now to enter ALL of them here.
p 150 para 1 lines 4-5: “here’s what WAS happening” plus “constant drumming produces” … conflict of tenses
p 150 para 3 line 2: “he could easily tune-in” … s/b “tune in” without hyphen
p 150 picture: i’m assuming the top of the head is not there on purpose, right? it fit perfectly with the text, but i’m just askin’
p 151 line 3: “he spent” … s/b “he had spent”
p 151 para 4 line 4: line break on “po-werful” … can only break at pow-er-ful
p 151 para 5 line 1: “high pitched flute sound” … i believe that s/b “high-pitched” since it’s a 2-part adjective
p 152 para 6: the paragraph starts with “Phil’s mind ….” but then about halfway thru the para you say “he got up to get Niki …” — it took me a moment to realize you’d switched to Koteen, so i don’t think that’s clear enough? Easy fix, new para.
p 153 para 3 line 1: awkward sentence — perhaps “handed a pair of his loose cotton pants with a drawstring top through the door, along with a big cotton shirt” ???? One word fix: handed HER
p 153 para 8: “the girls is also bird clan” — shouldn’t that be “Bird Clan” (capitalized) AND since you say “also”, was there an earlier reference to Koteen being Bird Clan? i didn’t find it, i flipped back to when he first appeared, but i coulda missed it 😉 Made a FAB FIX here on pg. 153 by interrupting Koteen’s confession: “It’s the old way,” Koteen continued. “The girl is Bird Clan, and—”
“Don’t tell me…”
p 154 para 6 line 1: “And, I’ve got …” — should that perhaps be without the comma ?
Betty’s Suggestions:
p 146, line 3 … “learn more how the Vision Quest”
p 169, line 10 … “blindingly” – she thought the word was incorrectly divided at end of line; instead of “blin-dingly” she thought it should be “blind-ingly” … initially i thought breaking it between two consonants was right, but looked it up and i think betty is right. I have to check this specific example, but in general the auto-hyphen function created these. Sometimes I had room to adjust them, but not always. So, I’ll check this and other alleged “hyphen violations” to see how I can adjust them.
p 200, line 16 … “… the agree” s/b “they”
p 214 ejm adds “With them?” to line 3 for context
p 215, line2 s/b cap on Grand (Kiva)
p 215, line 12 … “her pulsed quickened” s/b “pulse”
p 216 star gazer s/b stargazer
ejm findings:
Pg. 222 added “I found out…” to solve one of the comment Qs
p. 250 “Come again?,” Jake said. (s/b NO comma)
p. 255 “…the planet Sirius?” it’s a star, not a planet
p. 256 Valis s/b All caps on VALIS (for consistency and because PKD capped it. And this ref IS the actual book. NOTE: when Niki is first hearing the term, and it’s not a book title, it can be “valis” — just a vague term.)
p. 259 “Okay, just tell…” this s/b “just LET ME tell” (it was correct in FDO and I messed it up in final version.)
p 274, line 13 … “where would we eve start” s/b “even”
If you have corrections (not just commentary) please post below. Thanks in advance for your help!
ZiaLink Ink 