Anyone who has read, is reading or can help, a few of us are pushing through AKS again (the 9.16.2010 print version, not FDO) for final corrections. Maureen, leader of the pack, finds errors on practically every other page. I know some people say I can’t write, but that’s a moot point now (and yes, moot not mute, as some folks say.) I am trying to find and fix as many typos, glaring punctuation issues, and the most abhorrent grammar at this point.
Here’s what has been discovered thus far. Comments with page #. If I have a return comment (other than simply fixing it) mine will be bold:
p 108: in the quote, “Without Peace there will be No Future” – Done
Pg. 110 fixed formatting around Pike’s final sentence.
Pg. 111 Removed Pre-Civil War reference – redundant Mars Hill
Pg. 113 several word changes including “Pike’s persistent pestering.” cause I love me some more alliteration 😉
p 115 line 3: “pretty damn difficult” should that be “damned”? no, do a Google on that phrase
p 117 “the open road sounds better than it is” … s/b “sounded”, right?, since the rest of the context is past tense — If so, it would be “was” not is.
p 119 line 13: “and thought the of a travel column” … word missing? maybe “idea”? (this was supposed to be: Phil had been watching “and thought the travel column was…” typo
p 121: line 2 you say “redhead” but line 3 you say “red head” … s/b redhead
p 121 line 8: you break “thoughts” at end of line … it doesn’t look right
p 122 line 11: “all she wanted a hot shower” … missing a word? perhaps “was”? YES (to all typos/hypens, etc.)
p 123 line 2: since you’re using “fake leather” as an adjective, i think it should be hyphenated?
p 125 line 28: “with landscape like this to enjoy” … like what?
p 125 line 32-33: “apple pie for desert” .. s/b “dessert”
p 126 line 15: “interstate rest-stops” … rest stops is not hyphenated
p 127 5th line from bottom: in 1982 would the young boy have been referred to as “native american” or as “indian”? GOOD — SEE EXTENSIVE COMMENT BELOW
p 128 last line: “that is not the dream that she awoke with” … s/b “that WAS not the dream”
p 126, line 24 … “the ocean lie ahead” – her note said it may be correct as is, but it caught her eye (i think “lie” is right here) Kay thinks lay ahead Her thoughts: I have a strong feeling that “lie” is NOT correct, because when we say “it looked as though ” followed by anything, the verb is never in the present tense. examples: It looked as though the road turned (not turn) ahead. It looked as though better weather was (not is) in store. I reserve the right to be wrong though. 😉
Mo’s third batch (the OMG batch 😉
p 130 line 14: “Indian culture” – you see, here you say Indian, not indian or native american
p 130 4th para: “this travel log idea” — should be travelog or travelogue, per dictionary.com … and this phrase is used numerous times Only when Pike says travelogue
p 131 lines 20-21: “no Need” … s/b “no need”
p 133 line 12: “Remind me Phil, how …” s/b “Remind me, Phil, how …”
p 133 end of 3rd para: “self righteous” s/b “self-righteous”
p 134 para 3 line 8: “writing the Native American” feature … again, that’s a foreign phrase in 1982, right?
p 137 para 4: you use the terms “indian” (l/c )
SEE BELOW — ALL NA REMOVED!!
p 138 line 5: “pony-tail” … i looked it up s/b “ponytail”
p 138 2nd para from bottom, line 1: “Flags-taff” — s/b “Flag-staff”
p 140 line 4: “back-pack” — s/b “backpack”
p 140 3rd line from bottom: “who” … should that be “whom” ???
p 141 para 7: “i didn’t bring any water or supplies”, followed by Koteen tossing her a canteen of water and a bundle of supplies — like what? (added details there.)
p 142 para 4 line 1: “bellagonna” — often used derisively?? YES, supposed to be “dig” of sorts at the white woman
p 143 line 1: “flat-lander” — i think you’re hyphenating it, because you refer to flat land in the next line, but i’m not sure since it’s also a break in the line, but it should be one word “flatland” and “flatlander”
p 143 para 9 line 5: you say “Old Ones” (capitalized) but earlier (not sure where, sorry) you used “old ones” (no caps)
p 143, 7th line from bottom: “marauders destroyed, them” … delete the comma, s/b “destroyed them”
Yes, fixing all typos, commas, Caps/consistency issues, etc.
p 144 para 7 line 1: “alright” … i think that’s a colloquialism, and s/b “all right” instead ??
p 144 para 7 line 2: “some tribes do not” … s/b “some tribes did not” … i think, given the context, but not sure
p 144 para 12 line 1: “flat-lander girls” …. s/b “flatlander girls”
p 145 2nd para from bottom, last line: “he advised she conserve” … s/b “he advised that she conserve” or possibly “he advised her to conserve”
p 145 last para line 3: “well manicured hands” …. i think that s/b “well-manicured hands” since you’re using a 2-word adjective
p 147 2nd para from bottom, line 2: “vision quest” … in previous references you say “Vision Quest” (capitalized)
p 148 line 10: “gathered his incense, and drums and spread blankets” … s/b “gathered his incense and drums, and spread blankets”
Some places I have changed a few words for better flow, resolves some of the “auto hyphen” issues, and improves context. BUT no time now to enter ALL of them here.
p 150 para 1 lines 4-5: “here’s what WAS happening” plus “constant drumming produces” … conflict of tenses
p 150 para 3 line 2: “he could easily tune-in” … s/b “tune in” without hyphen
p 150 picture: i’m assuming the top of the head is not there on purpose, right? it fit perfectly with the text, but i’m just askin’
p 151 line 3: “he spent” … s/b “he had spent”
p 151 para 4 line 4: line break on “po-werful” … can only break at pow-er-ful
p 151 para 5 line 1: “high pitched flute sound” … i believe that s/b “high-pitched” since it’s a 2-part adjective
p 152 para 6: the paragraph starts with “Phil’s mind ….” but then about halfway thru the para you say “he got up to get Niki …” — it took me a moment to realize you’d switched to Koteen, so i don’t think that’s clear enough? Easy fix, new para.
p 153 para 3 line 1: awkward sentence — perhaps “handed a pair of his loose cotton pants with a drawstring top through the door, along with a big cotton shirt” ???? One word fix: handed HER
p 153 para 8: “the girls is also bird clan” — shouldn’t that be “Bird Clan” (capitalized) AND since you say “also”, was there an earlier reference to Koteen being Bird Clan? i didn’t find it, i flipped back to when he first appeared, but i coulda missed it 😉 Made a FAB FIX here on pg. 153 by interrupting Koteen’s confession: “It’s the old way,” Koteen continued. “The girl is Bird Clan, and—”
“Don’t tell me…”
p 154 para 6 line 1: “And, I’ve got …” — should that perhaps be without the comma ?
p 146, line 3 … “learn more how the Vision Quest”
p 169, line 10 … “blindingly” – she thought the word was incorrectly divided at end of line; instead of “blin-dingly” she thought it should be “blind-ingly” … initially i thought breaking it between two consonants was right, but looked it up and i think betty is right. I have to check this specific example, but in general the auto-hyphen function created these. Sometimes I had room to adjust them, but not always. So, I’ll check this and other alleged “hyphen violations” to see how I can adjust them.
p 200, line 16 … “… the agree” s/b “they”
p 214 ejm adds “With them?” to line 3 for context
p 215, line2 s/b cap on Grand (Kiva)
p 215, line 12 … “her pulsed quickened” s/b “pulse”
p 216 star gazer s/b stargazer
Pg. 222 added “I found out…” to solve one of the comment Qs
p. 250 “Come again?,” Jake said. (s/b NO comma)
p. 255 “…the planet Sirius?” it’s a star, not a planet
p. 256 Valis s/b All caps on VALIS (for consistency and because PKD capped it. And this ref IS the actual book. NOTE: when Niki is first hearing the term, and it’s not a book title, it can be “valis” — just a vague term.)
p. 259 “Okay, just tell…” this s/b “just LET ME tell” (it was correct in FDO and I messed it up in final version.)
p 274, line 13 … “where would we eve start” s/b “even”
If you have corrections (not just commentary) please post below. Thanks in advance for your help!
I don’t think anyone except us ex-Ottumwans and those still living there will pick up on this, but I think the Courier was (and I think still is) on Second Street – page 37 – last line before last paragraph. — Mary A. (former Ottumwan)
Page 65 2nd paragraph from bottom. “Haf-lifers”should be “Half Lifers”Page 84 3rd paragraph. Jami I think the Canteen is in an alley off of Market Street. The alley also used to go up to Second Street. Not sure how it’s set up now tho’.Mary A. (former Ottumwan)
Mary and Mo, both of you have said this about half-life, but both PKD and this wiki entry say otherwise: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half-life
I think I’ve covered everything for the first hundred pages. One last comment, which may have been missed because of the breaking it up into sections – on page 111 you have a description of the Mars Hill Church as though this is the first time it was spoken of. However, you had previously introduced us to it earlier in the book (don’t have a page for you – sorry). Just thought you might want to know. Good luck with your final formatting. — Mary
Good point, Mary. I will check that out. Meanwhile, on Pg 222, two Qs for you grammar gals: 1) line 5 after infinity symbol, in every case when someone speaks with attribution, should there be a comma? Lena said, tapping the air…2) same page, line 11 (after infinity) Lena has talked of the Pleiadian star badge. If this wasn’t a question mark, I would have used … to indicate she keeps talking. Because if you read that para, Niki tunes her out while thinking of her hunk, Koteen. When you read that para, is it all clear enough? No one has ever complained, but just wondering.
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okay I am ready to address the “Native American” issue in AKS. Good catch, Mo, that I should not have been using that term in 1982. I think it happened in writing as I tried to differentiate East Indian (which I use a lot in the second half of the story) from American Indian. Now, I see that would be the correct distinction: American Indian or East Indian, and in some cases I changed it altogether. (Example: to Guatemalan, later in the story.) There were about ten instances of the NA word and I have changed them as follows:First NA reference is on page 127“Kachina dancer,” the dark-haired, dark-skinned boy replied, frowned and added, “never seen one?” “No, I’m just passing through this area for the first time,” Niki explained. “Maybe you should stop at Sky City. Acoma Reservation. On your way on I-40 heading west,” he spoke in a halting, kind of broken English. “Favorite for tourists and locals,” he concluded.In this first NA ref, changed to “dark-skinned boy” because she doesn’t REALLY know yet. After all in Iowa “Indians” were lighter skinned French Indians.130 American Indian culture 134 same137 Indian once and then changed sentence to: “The Grand Canyon was one of the most sacred spots for the original Americans, she’d been told,and it was only about sixty miles—”138 NA changed to “A real Indian guide—”166 NA changed to “an American Indian drumming tape”171 NA changed to American Indians 184 NA changed to American Indian culture220 Native American to American Indian38 references to “Indian” with American, East, wild, or some modifier… a few just plain Indian now, and ALL are capped. There was just the one typo where it was l/c. (I’ll have more to say on that when all this is OVER!) 302 NA practices to native practices, since that was part of the Guatemalan reference.
STOP! Delete all of this. ALL of it! Why would you want this in your blog? This is bad PR! I’m calling you. Delete ALL including this comment!
Well, I did not delete all or any of the Errata or comments. There are more but I was too exhausted from the corrections to further document the changes. I spent 10 hours the last day alone editing before sending off the eBook file (and it’s still not back from conversion.) it’s the artwork. Unclear how much of my 50 sketches can survive the eBook conversion process. I’ll be yelling from the roof tops (or is that rooftops) when it’s available thru Kindle, iBook and other formats.
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Just for the record, and to maintain the Errata, Dickhead Frank B has sent the following findings, discovered AFTER the eBook release:pg. 2 – last line: “she was in still in college” (take out first “in”) NOTE: on PAGE TWO! OMG! and I verified it has been there since FDO version!pg. 31 – 4th full paragraph: “now that tears that had formed in her eyes” (take out second “that”)p. 45 – 4th line from bottom: “Pete smiled at his paraphrased quote from one of best clients” (insert “his” or “their” between “of” and “best”)NOTE: this is a new error caused by me while rewriting parts of the text. ALL the other word omissions were in the FDO and NOT previously discovered. AMAZING!!p. 49 – 4th line from bottom: “could hear the buzzing sound in her ear.” (insert “was” between “hear” and “the”)p. 52 – 6th and 10th line from top: Valis and VALIS. (First one should be all caps)p. 63 – 7th paragraph down: “This is as good as time as any to confront Remke…” second “as” shold be “a”)p. 94 – lines 7 & 8: “It seemed as if she been there” (insert “had” between “she” and “been”)pg. 126: first line in 3rd paragraph – “the scenery become more” – “become” is wrong verb tense; should be “became”pg. 130: start of 2nd paragraph – should capitalize “constantly”NOTE: That is not a new sentence. The word “constantly” follows a colon. However, the formatting is wrong which makes the the word appear to be a new paragraph. So, it still requires a correction.pg. 136: lines 9 and 13 – “Valis” and “VALIS” – lack of consistency for VALIS, a book titleNOTE: Actually, that instance of “Valis” is not a book title. At this point, Niki does not know what “valis” is and even says so. In other parts of the novel, when PKD refers to it, or once it becomes known, then yes, always VALIS — capped and italicized.pg. 165: 4th paragraph – “were on the Harvard Mall” – change “on” to either “at” or “in”pg. 172: line 7 from top – “she had encountering” – “encountering” should be “encountered”pg. 184: 2nd line from bottom – “It was first time” – insert “the” between “was” and “first”pg. 186: 4th line from botton – “course beard” – don’t you mean to say “coarse”?pg. 192: 3rd paragraph – change comma after “answer” to period, and capitalize “They”pg. 193: 4th paragraph – “wondered what all had infiltrated” – take out word “all”pg. 193: lines 3 and 12 from bottom – “baba” should be capitalized for consistency; capitalized elsewhere in novel.NOTE: Unclear on use of this term. It is the same as using a title, say King. King Arthur is capitalized. If one simply says, the king, then should it also be capitalized? King is a poor example, as it is probably always capitalized. The baba? perhaps… I will investigate ;)I will also post Frank’s final findings from Section III. With this, the book really should be “tight.” Finally!
What I found in the last section:p. 215: 7th line from bottom – “Lena was at a total loss for what to do” – “for” should be “about” (perhaps this is just British vs American “english”??)p. 231: 6th paragraph down – “Niki didn’t care of he” – “of” should be “if”p. 253: 8th line from bottom – “he got one and place” – “place” should be “placed”p. 263: 3rd line from bottom – “get check out materials” – remove “get”p. 290: 3rd paragraph down – “I’m afraid I’m must” – “I’m” should be “I”p. 313: 3rd paragraph down – “Niki said assured them” – remove “said”p. 324: 3rd line from top – “glanced at a postcard, stuck her visor” – insert “to” between “stuck” and “her”That, that’s all folks!!! Found more than I thought I would. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. yours in kipple, fcb
Frank found over 20 errors… about seven in each section. He says “not good”, but I’m actually thrilled because with his final fine-tooth combing, I feel really confident going into my awards competition for July (2011.) Frank C. Bertrand, aka “the gadfly of PKD criticism,” IS an excellent copy editor. I can HIGHLY recommend him as he launches his new endeavor. I will sing his praises on Facebook and street corners next.
Really unbelievable — while I was making Frank’s corrections (above) I found two more misspellings and two grammar/punctuation errors. I also changed sentence structure in a couple of places on some of the very last pages. I certainly hope “this is it” for AKS changes. Good Grief!!Pg 26 (42 of the PDF) accentuating his high check bones. s/b cheekbones (correcting two things in one swoop) Pg 92 (twice), pg 228 (three times) and on the last page 328, lightening. s/b lightning HOW is that NO ONE ever noticed this?? Well, Guy did, right after I found them. Pg 152 (168) each others arms s/b each other’s (right or wrong?? Guy says other’s)Pg 303 (319) wiseman was a wise guy. S/b wise man was a wise guy.Finally, I changed the following sentence (s) dues to words in proximity (too much glancing and noticing): OLD: Niki glanced at a postcard she had kept in the Westfalia which looked almost exactly like Jake‘s place. An old adobe with the famousNEW: She noticed the postcard stuck in her visor, one that had been there since her first trip through Albuquerque. It looked almost exactly like Jake’s place—an old adobe with the famousStill on page 324 I changed: She noticed his driveway and paths were lined with luminarias—NEW: The driveway and paths were lined with luminarias—and finally, still on page 324 I changed: Just like a postcard TO: Just like the postcard (to me that page is much better now.)Page 328 (344 of PDF) That’s what Niki’s dad was… TO: That is what Niki’s dad was trying to convey. and this sentence: Phil and Pike finally understood—although they had to die to do it. Peace and love—NEW: Phil and Pike finally understood this, although they had to die to do it. Peace and love—